How The Grinch Stole Captive Day
By Dr. Sean
Every Business Owner in Whoville Liked Captives a lot…
But the Grinch, Who worked for the IRS, Did NOT!
The Grinch hated Captives! The whole Captive season!
Now, please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his head wasn’t screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, that his wallet was too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all,
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.
Whatever the reason, His wallet or his heart,
When it came to hating captives, He played the leading part,
Staring down from his office with a sour, Grinchy frown,
At the thriving Whoville businesses below in their town.
For he knew every Who in every business field,
Was benefitting from a tax shelter shield.
“And they’re insuring their risks!” he snarled with a sneer,
“Tomorrow is Captive Day! It’s practically here!”
Then he growled, with his Grinch fingers nervously drumming,
“I MUST find some way to stop Captive Day from coming!”
For Tomorrow, he knew, all Who business owners with joy,
Would have more peace of mind from the captive strategies employed!
And then! Oh, the tax savings! Oh, the tax savings!
Savings! Savings! Savings!
That’s one thing he hated! The Savings!
Savings! Savings! Savings!
And THEN They’d do something He liked least of all!
Every business owner in Whoville, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with Captive Day bells ringing.
They’d stand hand-in-hand. And they would start singing!
And the more the Grinch thought of this Captive Day Sing,
The more the Grinch thought, “I must stop this whole thing!”
“Why, for fifty-nine years I’ve put up with it now!”
“I MUST stop Captive Day from coming! But HOW?”
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
THE GRINCH GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
“I know just what to do!” The Grinch laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Uncle Sam hat and a coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, “What a great Grinchy scam!”
“With this coat and this hat, I look just like Uncle Sam!”
“All I need is a water carrier…” The Grinch looked around.
But, since carriers are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Grinch? No! The Grinch simply said,
“If I can’t find a carrier, I’ll make one instead!”
So he called his dog, Beckett, and he called his dog, Jay,
And as he dressed them both up, he commanded them,“stay.”
THEN he loaded up some rulings and some IDRs in a sleigh,
And with an old leather strap he hitched up Beckett and Jay.
Then the Grinch said, “Giddap!” And the sleigh started down,
Toward the homes where the Whos Lay asnooze in their town.
All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
When he came to the first little business on the square.
He unleashed Beckett and Jay to frighten business owners in town,
The sound of these dogs barking could drag the staunchest down.
“This is stop number one,” the old Grinchy hissed,
He dismounted that sleigh with IDRs in his fist.
The business had all of its insurable risks hung in a row.
“These risks,” he grinned, “are the first things to go!”
Then he slithered and slunk, making baseless attacks,
Against the business’ captive and its risk management facts.
He argued against risk pools, business purpose and so-called “business risk,”
But the Tax Court had already flushed these arguments… whisk, whisk, whisk.
Since he lost in court, he decided to wear those business owners down,
He put captives on his “dirty dozen” list to make them all frown.
He wore them down with document requests and denied their deductions,
He said their risks weren’t real and issued vague audit instructions.
He attacked Whoville’s captives one by one,
While telling Beckett and Jay, “this sure is fun.”
He cornered a Who business owner at business number four,
And called to Beckett and Jay to come and guard the door.
“Wait a minute!” said the Who, pointing at Beckett and Jay,
“Those two were in my office just the other day.”
“They were trying to sell me a ‘Tax Shelter’ captive,
But my response to them was aggressive and reactive.”
“CIC Services operates my captive, just to be clear,
And it’s focused on risk management, so get out of here.”
The Grinch was stunned and puzzled… were his dogs really disloyal?
First the Tax Court and now his own dogs… he felt like a jilted Royal.
He thought to himself, “I don’t need any of you…
They saw me wear down Who business owner number two.”
He shifted his gaze back to Who business owner four,
And said, “I’ll make life miserable for your retail store.”
“I’ll have you on your knees, you’ll kiss the ground…”
But then the Grinch heard a tiny little sound.
So he turned around fast, and he saw a small Who!
Little Cindy-Lou Who, who was not more than two.
Her Who parents had jobs that provided a living,
The Who business owners were always quite giving.
For they ran their Who businesses, knowing their risks were insured,
As prudent captive owners, their greatest fears were cured.
When disaster strikes a business with lots of bills to pay,
A Who Captive’s more reliable than AFLAC, so they say.
She stared at the Grinch and said, “Uncle Sam, why,”
“Why are you ruining Captive Day? WHY?”
“Why would you scheme as a captive destroyer,
You are shamelessly hurting Whoville’s greatest employers.”
“I thought you loved America, baseball and apple pie.”
“Why do you hate captives and small businesses, why?”
Cindy-Lou Who’s little eyes teared up, and she began to sob,
“were it not for the captive, my parents would have lost their jobs.”
And what happened then? Well…in Whoville they say,
That the Grinch’s small heart grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his heart didn’t feel quite so tight,
He vowed to protect small captives with all his might.
The great news spread in the North, South and East!
And he, The Grinch chaired the Captive Day feast!